I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
