can we get nightvision for the apartment?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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