New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
