question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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