every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
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