I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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