Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
