oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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