put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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