So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
