Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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