I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
