dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
