No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
