I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
