hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
