dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
