I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
