First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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