I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
