if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
