Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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