I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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