My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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