I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize