SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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