She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
