It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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