my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
