so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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