my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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