I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
