woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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