I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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