I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
