Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
