My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The beer is more important than you right now.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
