who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
