I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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