Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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