Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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