your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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