i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize