The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
