Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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