Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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