my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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