He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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