My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
