The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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