remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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