On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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