I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
