I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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