Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
