someone owes me an orgasm
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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