I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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