You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
