am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
