This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
