they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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