pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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