the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize